Filed under: and... judged., what's going on here | Tags: adult, amanda beard, athlete, batman, bumble bee, cheerleader, cop, costume, halloween, kitty cat, mummy, nurse, rosie o'donnell, storm, superhero, superman, the joker, vampire, x-men, zombie
quick run down of halloween costumes for les femmes:
1) police unitard (emphasis on “tard”) deal: ohmygod. when you put it on, how did you not see the cotton/spandex-blend camel toe it gave you. and– hand cuffs do not make you cuter or more available, nor do they add a fetish element to your costume. no matter your size, you WILL look like a trashy soccer mom who was recently divorced and still trying to hold on to the sexiness her dried up ovaries have deprived her. (final say: no need to carry mace in your handbag tonight. your thighs should keep all men at a safe distance.)
2) bumble bee mess: this theme is only appreciated when it’s worn by a girl in a music video for “no rain” by blind melon. withOUT cleavage, with braids (NOT french braids, idiot), and glasses a la pointdexter. the costume that is available on mass is more like a trashy ballerina. and the yellow fishnets? why would that ever seem like a good idea? my experience with this costume is that it’s usually worn by the closet floozy who thinks a bumblebee is innocent enough, but tuck your ankles behind the antenna, and -voila!- she can assume the position. (final say: you look like a brick of caution tape. how ironic.)
3) cheerleader wannabe: so you were one in high school. i’m pretty sure even rosie o’donnell could have done a basket toss in her “better days” (loosely defined). slicking your over-processed hair into a ponytail and rolling your skirt up one extra time is not a good look for you. (final say: your friends said you looked cute because they didn’t feel like helping you find a real costume. bummer.)
4) “sexy” (loosely defined) witch/fairy/devil/angel blah blah blah: just. don’t. everyone knows you pulled crap out of your closet that you don’t have the nerve to wear any other time of the year. if the only thing you added to your general “wardrobe” (loosely defined) was a hat or headband, you are a halloween quitter and i hope little kids throw gum in your hair. (final judgment: the only guys who will be hitting on you are old enough to be your father. and how would you feel if your dad was trying to bump uglies with a girl your age in a costume that miserable. it’s for your own good. now go pray.)
5) just a final note: i would vote down any costume idea that is edited to be more ”girl-friendly” (ie. doctor, athlete, santa’s helper, sailor, boy scout, any kind of animal, zombie, vampire, superhero). unless you are storm from x-men, you will never be a sexy superhero. unless you are amanda beard, no one will believe you are a hot female athlete. (final judgment: have an excellent halloween. you’ll be judged no matter what you decide to wear, so you might as well just hope that someone looks dumber than you! “cheers” [loosely defined]!)
*** and for the gents: don’t go as the joker. you will look like a homo-erotic eleven year old who went through his mothers make up. and worst of all, you will undoubtedly blend in with every other guy who had the same “great” (loosely defined) idea as you.
man. glad to get all that off my chest. now have a great halloween and don’t develop a complex!
Filed under: what's going on here | Tags: butcher, china king, chinese, chinese food, deer, hamburg, ny, roadkill, venison
i’m not entertained by the fact that a chinese restaurant in hamburg, ny was caught with roadkill in their kitchen. i’m not entertained by the fact that the deer was peeled off of the pavement only to be butchered in the ‘china king’ kitchen.
however, i am entertained by:
1) the employee who found the carcass (let’s call a spade a spade) and thought nothing of dragging it through the front doors of the restaurant. after dragging it across the parking lot. in broad daylight. is it just me or are you seeing the ‘epic fail’ factor.
2) the diligent health inspector who kept his composure and still completed a thorough health inspection. apparently, the faulty refridgeration was the nail in the coffin.
3) after getting busted, the employees taped a blissfully optimistic sign on the door: “close today.”
so, you know. before you bite into that eggroll, pick out the headlight fragments.
Filed under: sporty spice | Tags: 26, boston bruins, buffalo, buffalo sabres, penalty, ryan miller, scissor fake, shootout, thomas vanek
sabie babies won in a shootout. miller turns away 4 out of 5 (including the chara’s abortion of a shot). thomas vanek scores the shootout winner (vanek will be performing at the casino alongside trent edwards, healing the sick and walking on water. don’t believe a thing i say). blah blah blah.
of course i loved the scissor fake– but let’s not forgot vanek’s sickest penalty shot ever:
Filed under: ...and he's rich | Tags: adonis, baltimore opera, dirty jobs, discovery channel, man's man, mike rowe, o-face
mike rowe. host of ‘dirty jobs’ and i don’t even know where to start with the puns.
Filed under: domestical | Tags: buffalo, businessweek, economic, ny, recession, top 20
businessweek said that buffalo was one of the top 20 communities in america to ride out the recession. reasons: a growing job market, growing housing market, and the local banks didn’t bite it. you go, girl.
Filed under: sporty spice | Tags: 13, 1973, 2003 yards, 23, 32, armed robbery, bills, buffalo, cochran, jail, johnnie, kardashian, kidnapping, las vegas, MVP, nevada, oj, orenthal james, robert, simpson
so the juice finally got convicted of something. i blame cochran’s death- and the fact oj committed armed robbery, among other things. ugh. idiot.
everyone seems hung up on the fact that the jury deliberated for thirteen hours and that oj was convicted on october 3, thirteen years after being found not guilty. and here’s my reply to that: in 1973, a running back was the first player to surpass 2000 yards in a single season (by three yards) and went on to be voted the league’s MVP– all while wearing the number 32 WHICH IS THE NUMBER 23 BACKWARDS.
my sarcasm probably isn’t clear via blog. but i’m making fun of you.
anyways, his lawyers want a re-trial, something about the jury avenging the verdict in 1995 that acquitted him of murder. blah blah blah
i mean, it’s not like it’s tom robinson in maycomb, alabama (‘to kill a mockingbird’ by harper lee. duh). oj is not someone we would associate with phrases like “good-willed,” “great actor,” and “completely innocent.” he cheated death (jail) by the skin of his teeth (the incredible shrinking italian leather gloves) and what white person would not love to see him receive a disproportionately cruel sentence that oh, i don’t know, sends him to the chair. sorry- i think my conservative is showing.
anywho, i think he’s going to jail AND i’ll even bet that he gets killed. and kardashian and cochran aren’t here to help him. inmates, start sharpening your toothbrushes.
Filed under: and... judged., what's going on here | Tags: action, bubble, cheers, epic, fail, giant, news, newscast, reporter, zorb
maybe zenon’s friend wasn’t ready for a career in broadcasting. and maybe bubble boy was a weapon of mass destruction.
cheers, matty!
Filed under: sporty spice | Tags: apparel, buffalo, clothing, distressed, dumb, ed hardy, new, pominville, sabres, shirts, vintage, wal-mart
the sabres have designed a clothing line that, in my opinion, is a consolation prize to every barely legal girl that pominville has worked over. it’s crappy.
instead of taking a hint from the distressed t-shirts and vintage jerseys people can’t get enough of, the sabres created this rank line that looks like ed hardy and wal-mart collaborated. i hate ed hardy.
it’s lame. it’s too subtle. there’s no blue and gold. get it out of here. the only thing good about this new line is there is no red and black.
Filed under: sporty spice | Tags: #10, beard, brady, bret, browns, cleveland, jp, loserman, losman, michaels, poison, quarterback, quinn
there are times where i dislike losman. there are times when i see him on chippewa and i think he’s a shmuck and maybe he should put his mic ultra down (i don’t know what he drinks. i just assume he drinks like a soccer mom) and stop hunting female undergrads.
but what annoys me more than losman’s terrible peripheral vision and despicable timing is anything related to brady quinn.
to be honest, maybe i don’t like quinn because so many girls are in love with him. whatever, don’t judge me. but whatever the reason may be, i dislike him enough to not focus on:
1. that picture, and how bret michaels is a full-grown, hetero male who wears puka shell necklaces, eye-liner, and lip gloss AND definitely has had his lips done.
2. losman’s beard and creep-stache. am i the only one who thinks he looks like the possessed dad from the original amityville horror?
and brady- buzz. your girlfriend. woof.
Filed under: what's going on here | Tags: 2004, campaign, danity kane, election, mtv, p diddy, paris hilton, politics, sean combs, TRL, vote or die
four years ago, my generation was being donkey-punched by sean combs’ ridiculous “vote or die” campaign. maybe it’s danity kane (terrible) taking up all of his time, but i want to thank p diddy for doing nothing in anticipation of this upcoming election.
piddy- may i call you that?- i think that the masses of youth that still didn’t register shouldn’t. i would rather live in a dictatorship than watch you rally for higher voter turnout on TRL and succeed. maybe it’s because i think voting should be a priveledge, not a right. maybe it’s because i think that if you need a guy with some celebrity status wearing a huge message screened on his t-shirt screaming at you through a bullhorn to get you do go vote, then you should be deported.
i’m not saying i want to go out and lorena bobbitt everyone who voted because of that idiotic campaign. i just think if mtv could ruin music, maybe they should stay the hell away from politics.
