pinzoner and the blog

so, every magazine and newspaper has the time to forecast what we’ll listen to, watch, kill for, wear, make counterfeit copies of, dance to, cry over, make youtube videos about, steal, bootleg, and ruin friendships for. being that i’m so trendy i can’t escape myself, i’m going to list off everything that i was into three years ago, thereby predicting what will be HAWT this year. (note: i’m not seeing the hills, mesh shirts or vampire weekend in your future. bummer).

buffalo news says:  lady gaga. if you haven’t heard her, she’s pretty good. i know she’s already on the radio, but let’s think of everyone who puked out something and stuck around. she’s talented. boom. LG sounds like christina aguilera without the belting and brassy tone. her music?- think jock jams meets gay bar (and they become friends– nothing more).

i say: music from the 90’s.  pearl jam, hootie and the blowfish, sheryl crow, nirvana, the googoo dolls, the spin doctors, the cranberries, sublime (not just ’santeria,’ posers), white zombie along with– guilty pleasure, much?– real mccoy, gina g, richard marx, spice girls, DMX, and ace of base.

O magazine says: “it’s 2009! take a deep breath and blow off your old fashion rules.”

i say: oh. god. no.

i re-group and say: 

1. military-style jackets, in black. longer cut helps me avoid looking like a hobbit. sleeves look great rolled up (for when i feel like showing off my arm hair, duh).

1a. structured blouses: not belted. not wrap-around. maybe sheer. buy lots and get at least two black ones. they’re cute and whether paired with a skirt or jeans you’ve been running miles to fit into, you should copy me and buy these.

what annoys me is every magazine that tells you how to take a look from daytime (work) to night (trying to get attention wherever there are drink specials). all they do is put a mannish cardigan over a halter and tell you to keep your “f*** me” shoes in your desk drawer until you do the old switcheroo at 4:58. good lord. how about, you wear something you won’t be tugging at all day. better yet, how about you remember that you have a day job, so carousing about in a strappy who-knows-what is completely unnecessary.

2. beach hair: i’m not talking about using bumble and bumble’s overpriced water-in-a-bottle. i mean growing out your reversed bob (had that ‘do in highschool), chopping some weight off the bottom (“layering”), conditioning your hair like “wigs for kids” depends on it, and blow-drying with your head upside down whilst brushing with a paddle brush. then, when you get sick of it/it’s ten inches more than you want, you donate it.

3. long necklaces: in lieu of long scarves of course, and preferably, chains with medallions. take that, indie pop culture.

4. softlips: blistex/burt’s bees/chapstick got nothin’ on softlips. end of story.

maxim magazine says: watch hilary duff and vanessa hudgens.

i say: watch ‘arrested development’. everyone will watch this in 2009. if you think ‘the office’ is funny (which, let’s just say, meh), you just might have the intelligence to appreciate the bluth’s. it’s a nice dose of comical irony, without frustrating love triangles and a suffocating office-setting.

(i almost typed, “men who stopped maturing in the 7th grade” for things ‘arrested development’ does not have, but that would not be entirely true. in this case, he is not a regional manager, but a magician who does “illusions”– because “tricks are what a whore does for money”).