Filed under: and... judged., so i guess this is growing up | Tags: accident, automobile, bad drivers, bumper sticker, calvin, calvin and hobbes, car, caution, chevy, ethanol, finger, ford, george w. bush, global warming, horn, hummer, llamas, lord of the rings, obama 08, politics, pride, pro-life, religious, religious radio, slogans, stem cells, stickers, vehicle, woman driver
it’s been hella crazy at work and to be perfectly honest, the last thing i felt like doing when i got home was updating my blog. so after months of neglect here is what i have come to realize during my hiatus: the competency of a driver can be determined by the bumper of their car. not by the nicks and dents, but by the heinous display of slogans and stickers.
here, in my expert opinion- being a seasoned woman driver and all- is my punchlist for who needs to be run off the road– i mean avoided. see any type of promo of the following, and pass them on the right (because chances are they are driving in the left lane with their left blinker flashing).
1. religious radio stations
2. political bumper stickers (the more left wing, the more dangerous)
3. pro-life bumper stickers (i’m not saying my that there is anything wrong with being pro-life or that i am against it. i am just saying that those who display stickers that preach this belief are treacherous drivers)
4. any of those ridiculous stickers that brag about how proud the driver is of their child’s success in a public school
5. any of those ridiculous stickers that make fun of the drivers that are proud of their child’s success in a public school
along with the above, avoid anyone with stickers claiming to have a broken horn (“watch for finger”), confederate pride, supporting anything remotely canadian, a picture of calvin (from calvin and hobbes) pissing on a car company/sports team/anything at all, any mentioning of llamas, answers to issues that require much more depth and word space (ie. global warming, stem cells, ethanol), and any favorable/regretful/neutral mentioning of george w bush.
boom. there you have it.
Filed under: and... judged., domestical, what's going on here | Tags: bpd, buffalo, byron brown, chippewa, christian, dancing, delaware avenue, green, irish, new york fashion week, orange men, parade, st. patrick's day, step, strollers, syracuse, tow trucks, yellow brick road
so, yesterday i dabbled with st. patricks’s day. now, hear you me– buffalo does not “get” this holiday, but apparently embarassing our families is enough of a consolation. for example: my agenda for the day involved commenting 17 times on the beautiful weather (check), glaring at people blowing smoke in the faces of piggy-backing children (check), and booing “mayor” byron brown (sidenote: we did not throw things at him, simply because it would be shamelessly determined a hate crime. our cries for a more compatent mayor were not fueled by color of his skin, but by the content of his mayoral portfolio). checky mc checkerton.
we migrate along delaware avenue weaving in and out of college grads, the clinically obese, and the infamous obstacles simply known as “strollers”. there are bagpipes and little girls bucking and jumping up and down whilst sporting the most heinous of weaves. there are the most effervescent shades of green dotted with guinness splattered whites and jungle juice tainted oranges. it’s not exactly new york fashion week.
but at the end of the afternoon, when the last of the bellowing christian elitists throw out the remainder of pamphlets that will allegedly save our damned souls and the curb cannot possibly cradle another rattling empty, the red sea of debauchery is split. we spill into the street (thanks to the lingering effects of the detours) in a mangled, yet unified wave. throwing our bodies forward, and hoping that our legs will follow, we charge to the bars. in the middle of the road lie parade float debris– candies and beads that were refused, thrown with the elbow forward, or damaged in transit– all of which map our route like some tragic yellow brick road.
tow trucks outnumber police cruisers– not to say that there are a lot of tow trucks. at this point, every cop is backed into some alley way with his car turned off, trying to enjoy his blood alcohol level.
for the most part, yesterday was a success, unless you made the critical error of going to the parade with your girlfriend/boyfriend (i’m sure i heard at least 4 couples call it quits while the female half was wearing what was left of a headband with clover-tipped antennae). the sun was out, only prompting a few bottom heavy lasses to dress like jameson shot girls. the weather was marvelous, the crowd was cheerful, and i only used the phrase “hulk angry” to describe a tipsy female once.
this rambling is all my long winded way of saying happy st. patrick’s day. go orange.
Filed under: and... judged., celebrity look-alike, what's going on here | Tags: 14 kids, angelina jolie, california, collagen injections, davinci, eonline, invitro fertilization, IVF, mona lisa, nadya suleman, octo-mom, octuplets
um, false, eonline.
you know who octo-bag looks like? mona lisa. boom.
Filed under: and... judged., so i guess this is growing up, what's going on here | Tags: ann coulter, barbara walters, chabad-lubivitch, chassidishe, clint eastwood, fupa, gran torino, hasidic, hot-flash, jew, jewish, joy behar, jumpin' jack flash, lenny kravitz, loving leah, lubavitch, lubavitcher, menopause, playoffs, susie essman, the view, whoopi goldberg
well, ‘the view’ made middle-aged women look stupid again.
first, they got into a girl-fight with ann coulter (she’s not racist– she’s whatever the facts say) last week. and whoopi goldberg– you’re a statistic. don’t let your career make you think otherwise. however, i love ‘jumpin’ jack flash.’
this week, they had what should have been a witch-burning turn into a gossip-filled, shart-talking slumber party with susie essman.
essman (a juive) made a comment that mislead the hosts into offering their thoughts; apparently, the hosts think that the world wants to hear their mindless grasp on culture and religion. i mean, why hadn’t we consulted them before?– one is married to a jewish gentleman and another has the last name “goldberg” (but not in a lenny kravitz sort of way).
naturally, lines were crossed.
exhibit A: “have you seen what these women look like?”
exhibit B: “the way they dress, that’s related to islam, right?”
oh my. how’s that for gran torino-itis.
i don’t believe the discussion was anti-semitic, but it was wildly inappropriate and ignorant. also, it’s a little excessive to compare these bored women to hitler (but i hear barbara walters grows a mean ’stache during the playoffs).
to sum things up, the hosts of ‘the view’ are squawking women who have not had natural estrogen in their collective system for at least 15 years. they are at the mercy of hot-flashes and FUPAs and they say things that have no meaning or relevance. what escapes from the holes in their faces should be ridiculed by comediens and then ultimately brushed off. done.
Filed under: and... judged., sporty spice | Tags: 2/9/2008, arena, buff state, buffalo state, c-block, canisius, carl hudson, corner crew, golden griffins, griffs, hockey, ice griffs, jason weeks, jre, mike, RIT, rochester, suspension, taylor anderson, tiger babe, tigers, youtube
tomorrow evening, the canisius golden griffins are taking on RIT at buff state’s arena. ’sgo griffs.
that being my attempt to wrangle up a seemingly relevant thought, here is something my friend mike stumbled on last year.
http://ritcornercrew.org/tigerbabe.htm
and here’s my two cents:
1. why is her brother taking these pictures of her.
2. she can’t be a model. either tiger stripes do her no justice at all, or her photos accompany articles written in braille.
anyways, to see more proof that RIT has more computers than girls on campus, you should swing by to see a pretty good game. while these two teams don’t have a true rivalry, there is bound to be a great deal of tension and spite, along with freshman rowdies trying to prove themselves (ie. walking by the other team’s cheering section with their team’s banner).
here’s a dose of last year’s mayhem:
Filed under: and... judged., domestical | Tags: $5 billion, adult film, alaska, ann coulter, anna nicole smith, bailout, barracuda, bristol, cnn, federal, girls gone wild, girls with low self-esteem, governor, grandchild, guilty, guinness, hustler, j howard, joe francis, larry flynt, mankini, mccain/palin, medusa, milf, nailin' palin, palin, playboy, porn industry, sarah, std, venereal disease, world record
sarah palin. ugh. apparantly, she’s going out hard for the guinness world record’s most nagging politician.
my thoughts?– she found out that larry flynt and joe francis (with his venereal disease mankini) are asking that the porn industry receive a $5 billion federal bailout. with the adult film industry demanding a preemptive cushion, who wouldn’t blame her for taking it personally.
with “nailin’ palin” having come out two months ago, it must be a shock that her MILF status
1. didn’t inspire the heroine that the adult film industry needs so badly, and
2. failed to put her above ann “medusa” coulter as the uber-conservative postergirl.
my recommendation?– i think that she should move somewhere remote (alaska) where no one will ever have to hear her terrible whinny of a voice, find a new cause to preoccupy her time (grandchild) and continue doing what she’s best at (scaring the living hell out of her husband/the bottom).
Filed under: and... judged., sporty spice | Tags: andrew peters, bit, buffalo, hungry hungry hippos, jarkko, ottawa, ouch, ruutu, sabres, senators, thumb
who’s up for a game of ‘hungry, hungry ruutus’?
side note- who would have thought that a taste of peters’ thumb would cost $31,000?
addendum to side note- no homo.
Filed under: and... judged., sporty spice, what's going on here | Tags: ball on a bit of string, billy elliot, billy idol, broadway, daft lads, dance off, dancing with myself, england, footy, futbol, geordie dancer, green street elite, green street hooligans, hear the drummer get wicked, mackem mover, newcastle, soccer, soccer AM, sunderland, you got served
think: ’green street hooligans’ meets ‘you got served’ meets ‘billy elliot the musical’ (followed by light spooning and long talks about feelings).
Filed under: and... judged. | Tags: mtv, news, soccer, george w. bush, iraqi, iraq, casey anthony, caylee anthony, nancy grace, chad johnson, ocho cinco, the ikki twins, vh1, double shot of love, the hills, lc, heidi montag, spencer pratt, lo, audrina, justin bobby, whitney, eighty-five, bengals, seth macfarlane, family guy, american dad, brody jenner, bromance, bro-rape, miley cyrus, hannah montana, nobody's perfect, billy ray cyrus, robbie savage, wanker, epl, futbol, speed stack, world record, cincinnati, choreographer, shoe, spanish, espanol
rounding out 2008, i give my list of the top ten people i would love to see get shoe-ed:
10. people who speed stack.
9. robbie savage.
8. casey anthony. everyone knows she did it. end of story.
7. miley cyrus. this girl. this girl’s choreographer.
6. brody jenner– and everyone who willingly let themselves be bro-raped.
5. seth macfarlane.
3. chad ocho cinco (that is not how you say eighty-five en espanol. jack ass.)
2. the ugly ikki twin.
1. the uglier ikki twin. (we’ll call #1 and #2 a double shot of shoe).
so, my list makes reference to about a million people. i’m okay with that.
Filed under: and... judged., domestical, what's going on here | Tags: 7 for all mankind, balenciaga, bulletproof vest, chanel, chippewa, coles, denali, denim, face protector, grey's anatomy, handbag, housefly, huge, jeans, kevlar, liars, massive, pez dispenser, purse, satchel, satchel-tastic, shoulder bag, straight leg, sunglasses, the north face, third room, tonka trucks, tony walker & co., ugg boots, vera bradley, william sledd, women's jacket, youtube
this is a trend that i just don’t understand. i blame tony walker & co. it screams “undergraduate!” and it needs to end.
i look at girls that wear this day after day after day and you know what i see? i see a girl who is going to school purely because her daddy can write checks. i see a girl that is at coles every tuesday and downtown every thursday and saturday night. i see a girl that watches grey’s anatomy and uses “<3″s excessively.
so here it is, from head to toe:
huge sunglasses: just in case you’re not familiar, a very wise man once said, “the bigger the sunglasses, the uglier the girl”– and if it’s not sunny out, these are often worn on the crown of the head. ugh.
the north face denali jacket: this is ruining fashion. please refrain from wearing this 24 hours a day. use it as a jacket- not as a sweatshirt, bulletproof armor, or camouflage for when you don’t feel like sporting a brassiere.
straight leg denim: just a reminder: straight leg jeans are not meant for everybody (i.e. they are not a right. they are a priveledge). straight leg denim refresher course
ugg boots: i don’t even know where to start with these. hideous. matronly. bourgeois. grotesque. ugh. if you want to look like a pez dispenser, by all means, wear them. i mean, naturally, a woman would want her feet to look like two tonka trucks. i will never understand the appeal of these excuses for boots, no matter how warm they are.
carry-on luggage passing for a purse: to complete this abortion of an outfit, is the massive bag, no thanks to vera bradley’s quilted heinousness and these leather/faux leather atrocities. ugh. it’s a satchel-tastic nightmare.
