Filed under: and... judged., so i guess this is growing up | Tags: accident, automobile, bad drivers, bumper sticker, calvin, calvin and hobbes, car, caution, chevy, ethanol, finger, ford, george w. bush, global warming, horn, hummer, llamas, lord of the rings, obama 08, politics, pride, pro-life, religious, religious radio, slogans, stem cells, stickers, vehicle, woman driver
it’s been hella crazy at work and to be perfectly honest, the last thing i felt like doing when i got home was updating my blog. so after months of neglect here is what i have come to realize during my hiatus: the competency of a driver can be determined by the bumper of their car. not by the nicks and dents, but by the heinous display of slogans and stickers.
here, in my expert opinion- being a seasoned woman driver and all- is my punchlist for who needs to be run off the road– i mean avoided. see any type of promo of the following, and pass them on the right (because chances are they are driving in the left lane with their left blinker flashing).
1. religious radio stations
2. political bumper stickers (the more left wing, the more dangerous)
3. pro-life bumper stickers (i’m not saying my that there is anything wrong with being pro-life or that i am against it. i am just saying that those who display stickers that preach this belief are treacherous drivers)
4. any of those ridiculous stickers that brag about how proud the driver is of their child’s success in a public school
5. any of those ridiculous stickers that make fun of the drivers that are proud of their child’s success in a public school
along with the above, avoid anyone with stickers claiming to have a broken horn (“watch for finger”), confederate pride, supporting anything remotely canadian, a picture of calvin (from calvin and hobbes) pissing on a car company/sports team/anything at all, any mentioning of llamas, answers to issues that require much more depth and word space (ie. global warming, stem cells, ethanol), and any favorable/regretful/neutral mentioning of george w bush.
boom. there you have it.
Filed under: so i guess this is growing up | Tags: college, dormlife, hugh, trailer, youtube
my friend, whom i will call “hugh heffner,” has been singing the praises of dormlife- a series of videos on youtube. so i watched what i think was half of season 1. i dig it. if you ever went to college, dormed, bought beer with a fake i.d., lived in a cell that was your living room, bedroom, study, kitchen, and closet, illegally downloaded music, ate a full meal between the hours of 3 and 5AM and then went to sleep, or wore someone elses sweatshirt home whilst sporting the shoes you wore the previous night, then you’ll probably like dormlife. here’s the season 1 trailer:
Filed under: and... judged., so i guess this is growing up, what's going on here | Tags: ann coulter, barbara walters, chabad-lubivitch, chassidishe, clint eastwood, fupa, gran torino, hasidic, hot-flash, jew, jewish, joy behar, jumpin' jack flash, lenny kravitz, loving leah, lubavitch, lubavitcher, menopause, playoffs, susie essman, the view, whoopi goldberg
well, ‘the view’ made middle-aged women look stupid again.
first, they got into a girl-fight with ann coulter (she’s not racist– she’s whatever the facts say) last week. and whoopi goldberg– you’re a statistic. don’t let your career make you think otherwise. however, i love ‘jumpin’ jack flash.’
this week, they had what should have been a witch-burning turn into a gossip-filled, shart-talking slumber party with susie essman.
essman (a juive) made a comment that mislead the hosts into offering their thoughts; apparently, the hosts think that the world wants to hear their mindless grasp on culture and religion. i mean, why hadn’t we consulted them before?– one is married to a jewish gentleman and another has the last name “goldberg” (but not in a lenny kravitz sort of way).
naturally, lines were crossed.
exhibit A: “have you seen what these women look like?”
exhibit B: “the way they dress, that’s related to islam, right?”
oh my. how’s that for gran torino-itis.
i don’t believe the discussion was anti-semitic, but it was wildly inappropriate and ignorant. also, it’s a little excessive to compare these bored women to hitler (but i hear barbara walters grows a mean ’stache during the playoffs).
to sum things up, the hosts of ‘the view’ are squawking women who have not had natural estrogen in their collective system for at least 15 years. they are at the mercy of hot-flashes and FUPAs and they say things that have no meaning or relevance. what escapes from the holes in their faces should be ridiculed by comediens and then ultimately brushed off. done.
Filed under: domestical, so i guess this is growing up | Tags: 2006, 2009, ace of base, arrested development, beach hair, blistex, blouse, bluths, buffalo news, burt's bees, chain, chamise, chapstick, christina aguilera, dmx, elphaba, espn, gina g, glinda, gob, googoo dolls, heidi montag, high school musical, hootie and the blowfish, illusions, jock jams, lady gaga, lauren conrad, lc, lizzie mcguire, locks of love, magic, medallion, mesh shirts, michael scott, military, nirvana, O magazine, oprah, pearl jam, popular, real mccoy, richard marx, rob zombie, santeria, scarf, scarves, sheryl crow, softlips, spencer, spice girls, spin doctors, structure, sublime, the cranberries, the hills, the office, trendy, vampire weekend, white zombie, wicked, wigs for kids
so, every magazine and newspaper has the time to forecast what we’ll listen to, watch, kill for, wear, make counterfeit copies of, dance to, cry over, make youtube videos about, steal, bootleg, and ruin friendships for. being that i’m so trendy i can’t escape myself, i’m going to list off everything that i was into three years ago, thereby predicting what will be HAWT this year. (note: i’m not seeing the hills, mesh shirts or vampire weekend in your future. bummer).
buffalo news says: lady gaga. if you haven’t heard her, she’s pretty good. i know she’s already on the radio, but let’s think of everyone who puked out something and stuck around. she’s talented. boom. LG sounds like christina aguilera without the belting and brassy tone. her music?- think jock jams meets gay bar (and they become friends– nothing more).
i say: music from the 90’s. pearl jam, hootie and the blowfish, sheryl crow, nirvana, the googoo dolls, the spin doctors, the cranberries, sublime (not just ’santeria,’ posers), white zombie along with– guilty pleasure, much?– real mccoy, gina g, richard marx, spice girls, DMX, and ace of base.
O magazine says: “it’s 2009! take a deep breath and blow off your old fashion rules.”
i say: oh. god. no.
i re-group and say:
1. military-style jackets, in black. longer cut helps me avoid looking like a hobbit. sleeves look great rolled up (for when i feel like showing off my arm hair, duh).
1a. structured blouses: not belted. not wrap-around. maybe sheer. buy lots and get at least two black ones. they’re cute and whether paired with a skirt or jeans you’ve been running miles to fit into, you should copy me and buy these.
what annoys me is every magazine that tells you how to take a look from daytime (work) to night (trying to get attention wherever there are drink specials). all they do is put a mannish cardigan over a halter and tell you to keep your “f*** me” shoes in your desk drawer until you do the old switcheroo at 4:58. good lord. how about, you wear something you won’t be tugging at all day. better yet, how about you remember that you have a day job, so carousing about in a strappy who-knows-what is completely unnecessary.
2. beach hair: i’m not talking about using bumble and bumble’s overpriced water-in-a-bottle. i mean growing out your reversed bob (had that ‘do in highschool), chopping some weight off the bottom (“layering”), conditioning your hair like “wigs for kids” depends on it, and blow-drying with your head upside down whilst brushing with a paddle brush. then, when you get sick of it/it’s ten inches more than you want, you donate it.
3. long necklaces: in lieu of long scarves of course, and preferably, chains with medallions. take that, indie pop culture.
4. softlips: blistex/burt’s bees/chapstick got nothin’ on softlips. end of story.
maxim magazine says: watch hilary duff and vanessa hudgens.
i say: watch ‘arrested development’. everyone will watch this in 2009. if you think ‘the office’ is funny (which, let’s just say, meh), you just might have the intelligence to appreciate the bluth’s. it’s a nice dose of comical irony, without frustrating love triangles and a suffocating office-setting.
(i almost typed, “men who stopped maturing in the 7th grade” for things ‘arrested development’ does not have, but that would not be entirely true. in this case, he is not a regional manager, but a magician who does “illusions”– because “tricks are what a whore does for money”).
Filed under: so i guess this is growing up | Tags: adult swim, black and white floral design, black fiber optic cufflinks, dethklok, happy holidays, magic bullet, merry christmas, metalocalypse, santa, schwinn beach cruiser, season 2, teapot
Filed under: so i guess this is growing up
’scuze the hiatus.
i was a camp counselor for the past 2 months and for the past week, i’ve been getting used to computers and cell phones and all aspects of reality.
didn’t mean to keep you. hope we can pick up where we left off.
Filed under: so i guess this is growing up | Tags: alex, kids, nat, nickelodeon, the naked brothers band
dear mr. and mrs. wolff.
thank you for not messing up your kids.
please keep them on nickelodeon as long as possible, seeing as the disney channel has a way of messing up pre-teens (ie. lohan, brad renfro, ariel the mermaid, and–eventually–zac ephron).
thank you for picking your battles (in order to not give them inferiority complexes), giving your children adequate attention, and not forcing spray tans on them.
sincerely,
someone who will let her 7 year old cousin watch your sons’ show.
i said i wouldn’t send out my resumé until i was completely unpacked. i said i wouldn’t unpack until i had donated at least 2 garbage bags of clothes to salval (salvation army). in an effort to never grow up, i (1) sit here and keep up my blog and (2) leave my room looking like a crime scene.
however, i have to skip the packing and the unpacking to get my resumé to my aunt del. my cousins have a marketing firm in nyc and she wants me to work with them. my whole life i’ve worked so that i don’t have to rely on family. in other words, i don’t pull the daddy card– i don’t need to. then, i graduated and realized that an all-college honors degree in political science, with a focus in international relations, and a minor in journalism was not the way to go about standing on my own. so i took del’s card (yes. she has a card. not a business card, though. it has her home addresses– buffalo and flo riduhhh– her e-mail address and her phone numbers. that is what i will have as i conquer unemployment, en fuego).
before i go any further, let me introduce you to del. she is my great aunt. she is 82 but has the body of a middle school girl and the energy of a small dog on ritalin. god do i love her. last summer, at our family reunion she fell down the stairs of the deck (not much of a fall– they were 4 stairs, each being about 3 or 4 inches high. needless to say, they are extremely unnecessary and my uncle put them in only so he could put crap underneath the deck and have it be hidden). her little body slammed into the garbage can and dented it like a car traveling at 55 mph would dent a deer. while my brother stood up and yelled, “walk it off, del” she looked around to (1) make sure she didn’t take out any kids on the way down and (2) make damn sure those steps (or trips) were really there. she got up a bit shaken because she thought that the garbage can was a person but other than that, she was good to go.
so that’s del.
and in order to send her my resumé, i have to move past two things on my to-do list and it’s really throwing a wrench in my OCD.
